The Stories We Hold Inside

Human beings are wired to tell stories.  Whether we admit it or not we are constantly telling stories about others, ourselves and every situation we enter into.  “Nobody is doing as much work as I am”, “I’m not doing enough”, “They don’t like me”, “This room was poorly decorated” and on and on.  The funny thing is we often believe these stories, we buy into them lock, stock and barrel which affects how we relate to another, to a group, to “the world” as we perceive it.  We’re often quite unaware of the story we have operating at any given moment, but it sure has a profound impact on the quality of our relationships and interactions with others and “the world”.

I’ve come to believe that for a community (or family, or marriage, or friendship for that matter) to thrive we need to become aware of those stories and to bring them out of the shadows and to check them out in the sometimes harsh and exposing light of day.  There’s no denying, it can be a truly vulnerable act to share your internal world in that way, but it can also be incredibly liberating and it can create a much greater sense of connection and ease in the relationship after the initial wave of shame or awkwardness.  Sharing in this way can deeply feed, empower, and clear a relationship in unforeseen ways, making space for deeper and more authentic connection free of the static of assumptions and “story”.

At Full Bloom we have a commitment to “Clear Communication” in our Resident Agreements that everyone who lives here signs.  Its a commitment to speak directly to a person if their behavior has upset you and you feel estranged or “charged” as a result.  And if you need help to address the person you are requested to seek support from a neutral third party to facilitate the interaction.   Sometimes there isn’t much of a “charge” so to speak but there are those stories that are subtly at work in the relationship and that’s where I’m thinking we could use more work on here at Full Bloom.  We already have a structure for working with such dynamics (we meet twice a month in a “Matrix Circle” where in there is an opportunity to directly express to another community member anything that is present in your relationship within the presence of whole group witnessing).

I’m realizing how much I and, I believe many of us, skirt around direct expression of our stories about each other because we don’t want to “hurt” each other.  Yet it turns out it can be more hurtful to continue to carry an unchecked out story than to come clean.   In the end there’s no way around discomfort if you want to create and maintain a truly thriving, authentic, and intimate relationship with another.  And I don’t know about you, but that’s pretty much on the top of my list of wants for this lifetime.

Thanks for reading and I invite your feedback.

Ryan